growing up

fades into the backlight


I am about to turn 23. That is limbo. I am in between becoming a man and still being a young adult. If that makes sense. I am still trying to hold on to my youth. It is crazy to think that soon enough I will have to be responsible for me. No one really looking over my back (whatever, mama Hyde better be there). As daunting as it may seem, it is also exciting, to forge a new path for myself; to be my own man. Then again, I am a hazard to myself.

“Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate, but that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.”We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, handsome, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us. It is not just in some; it is in everyone. And, as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
– Marianne Williamson

Great quote. It motivates me for about five minutes, then I realize that I am still that same self-conscience son-of-a-gun. Why? Well, first off, I do not have a clear picture of what I want to do with my life. That bothers me. I thought I would figure that out on my mission. Nope. Not yet at least. Then I thought I would figure it out as I took some general classes at the university. I am almost done with all of the GenEds, and still no real solid ideas. Secondly, I am average. Average height, average shoe size, average video gammer, average under water diving expert, and average at playing nertz. Average sucks. That is like a C+. No one likes C’s. Thirdly, I have never been to Canada. Even though I doubt very highly that going to Canada would make a difference, it bothers me.

My youth feel like it is fading into the backlight, much like those transitions you can make on your powerpoint presentation. This may be the beginning of my slide show (if I live past 75), but as every new slide presents itself, I feel unprepared. I don’t have the necessary notes in front of me, the laser pen, or have the capability to hit the ‘back’ button. I wonder if I am missing some past experience that taught me a lasting life lesson. What I am trying to get at is… basically… I am afraid of growing up. There I said it. The cat is out of the bag. Label me. Haze me. Whatever you need to do to make yourself feel better. That is just the way it is. I am afraid that soon, I will not desire to be in spiderman briefs.

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