redbox

Red Box

Dear Redbox,

First of all, you have a very obvious yet classy name. I could go on for a few lines about how funny your name is. …and will. Who named you? No one in the marketing department could come up with a better name? I mean you beat out your competitors with names like: Hollywood and Blockbuster. All you did was take the adjective and the noun, and put them together into one word. Did the atrocity happen at three in the morning? The CEO, CFO, Marketing Director, and Steve are there, trying to come up with a name. Suddenly the janitor comes in and says, “What are you doing here still?” BOOM. Steve has a bolt of lighting hit him and shouts out “REDBOX!” No, no, no. It must have been some Canuk child. Imagine that scenario. Captain Obvious, you should be proud of your child, Redbox.

I am writing you this letter to inform you that I hate and love you. Lots of people call that a hate love relationship. Not me. I call it a hate and love relationship. I hate you so much, and then, just like Harry forgives Lloyd, I love you. This relationship needs to come to some kind of resolution. I don’t know if I can take it anymore. You are the necessary evil that I must put up with. It is you who provides a simple solution to a boring night. However, this resolution deadens the mind.

While you are the simple solution contained in a red 3 X 6 box, you are a liar. You contain so many options, but with a catch, you are filled to the brim with an unusual amount of garbage. I want that to be changed. Substituting quantity for quality is a poor business model; although it seems to be the current trend. You are now the Wal- Mart of renting videos. Congrats. You should ask Tommy Boy about quality. I am not interested in crappy Bruce Willis movies. He is the same character over and over. Just like Keanu Reeves. UGH. Then you have classics every so often, just to tease me, like a tan-knie. More Denzel for a start. Okay? Lets nail that first, then we can move on.

Speaking of making this higher quality, lets also talk about the movie cases themselves? What are the cheap recycled plastic cases supposed to be? A coaster? A hot pad? A Frisbee? Cause that is what they look like they have been used for.  Put them in a decent case, not some universal crap. I want to have that box produce a gift, not some unisex case. Understand? I mean, it is pretty much already magic.

Economically I have no issue. Slide your card and be gone. Thanks, you have made wasting one hour and forty-five minutes very accessible and easy. Plus, you get me. I really only want to watch the rental once and return it back to the magic red box. Did I mention that it can be ANY redbox? GENIUS, I tell you, genius I say!

Sincerely.

David.

PS. I am going to warn everyone to not just rent a movie cause it looks good. Gambling on a redbox movie is entertainment suicide. There goes half of your profit.

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