You take your seat, 10 minutes before the movie starts. You really want to see the previews. You’ve heard about this new movie called “Glory was OURS!” You don’t much about it except your uncle Ronald like it. The lights dim, you sip your soda, just waiting, like a panther waiting for its prey. Just as you ram a huge handful of salty over buttered popcorn (just the way you like it… fatso) in your mouth, the preview starts.The screen is black. You hear Don LaFontaine’s voice, yes, they brought him back from the dead. It was cheaper than getting Pablo Francisco…
He was cooler than you…..
He was the best athlete…
He was homecoming king…
He kissed over 50 girls… in a week…
He was the greatest EVER!
Then an epic shot of a Channing Tatum strutting the hall of a high school, Letterman jacket and all. To some epic building music. It is so faint but so powerful you almost shed a tear.
Coming this summer, in 4D
Experience the thrilling life of Derek LaRoussa.
Channing has been in slow motion the whole time… the halls are lined with outrageously good looking girls. Banners are lining the hall with “Homecoming!” “Go Warriors” “Dance Tonight”. As he passes, he is all alone mind you, girls gawk, boys try to give him the coveted head nod, to which he gives back. He winks, he smiles.
Born to greatness.
This is the tale of an American Hero.
He enters a gymnasium in total silence. Standing room only. He then raises his hands and the crowd goes BASERK! The camera zooms in slowly as he continues to smile and raise his arms high. The light slowly fades out.
You probably have a few questions. What is this movie really about? What is 4D? Do I get to see Channing naked? Should I get a refill? One at a time. I will answer the most pertinent one first. No, no nudity will be shown.
This is the future of movies. 4D. Where people actually are in the movie. They cannot act or change what happens, but they are transplanted into the character. They feel like they are actually in it. That would be awesome, I think less people would go to movies where the main actor or actress gets beat up. Fight Club may lose some popularity.
This movie is inspired by uncle Rico and all of the ball flexors who cannot get over their Glory Days. This is for the guy who actually pulls up his football stats for girls, thinking that she will like him for that. This is for the guy who still tells of his huge football hits to his buddies, hoping for some oo’s and ahh’s. This is for the guy who thinks that telling everyone about how much he squatted will get some brownie points. This is for all of the idiots that can’t let it go. I fear that in making this movie these poor souls will stay in this mentality. This movie has no plot. It just shows Tatum being the man. That is it. It ends at graduation. We don’t know what happens to him.
I hope that Tatum will move on though. I hope that he is living in the present, looking forward to the future. I pray that Tatum can let go of the past and realize that high school shouldn’t be the highlight. I can only wish for this.