Dating 101

If there was a class offered on dating at SUU or the institute building, I would take it…. oh wait, I guess that class is called preparing for eternal marriage. Any-who Ballo, I am not going to give a do’s and don’ts list. I am not going to tell anyone how to act on a date, mainly because I think I am a terrible dater. What I can offer is some possible memory making ideas. Like a bottle of Jordan’s cologne, this could change your whole outlook on dating.

CAUTION: Cedar is extremely small. Be careful to use these tactics, if ever.

I will say this, dating is supposed to be fun, so make it fun. If you can’t make it fun, quit. That is what Charlie Sheen did.

Scenario 1: This is a first date. She is cute, however she has the sense of humor of Jack Bauer and an IQ of Paris Hilton. You can foresee that this date is going to be awful. You have planned an outing; something witty, special even, and you don’t wanna waste the time on her. I suggest that you don’t. Ask a controversial question, or a seemingly arbitrary one. She will hopefully respond, and when she does, get pissed. Get so pissed that she is afraid you might jerk the car off the road. “YOU WOULD CHOOSE MONET AS A MORE INFLUENTIAL ARTIST THAN MICHELANGELO?!!” Imagine the confusion. The utterly beautiful way you have destroyed a mediocre night. Now you can take her home, you can go home, you have a wonderful story. Tell me about it. I will laugh. We will laugh. I will call others, they will laugh.

Scenario 2: You have been dating this girl off and on for a few months. Things are not looking promising, but she is super cool, but you can’t seem to shake her. She feel likes a shadow with the tenacity of a ingrown hair. You need to make it clear that she is just not cutting it. Take her out to eat. Midway through your meal, and mind you, you should be eating like you have been eating sawdust for weeks, you just get up and leave. Don’t say a word. Ghost like Swayze. You have successfully said two things: 1. You are hilarious. (Which she will call immature and a real jackwagon move, which is probably true) 2. She should have been paying for other dates. (Thanks for a small portion back. I really enjoyed that steak)…..Sure she might hate you for a little bit, but was she ever really worth it? Have you really ruined your reputation? No. Nothing of the sort….

Scenario 3: You have been set up on a blind date, but you have done your homework. She is suspect, she may or not be super duper boring, or just dog ugly. This is a solo blind date, the real McCoy, a true test for a battle harden warrior. As all warriors do, you have a back up plan. You utilize the bro code. You may be out, you may be in, you may be anywhere, but  “maybe I’ll call in the troops…” isn’t a back up plan. A simple text to a friend with your location and the urgency, will resolve the floundering date from a possible drowning. Your super hero friend comes into your date and pretends to be a long lost friend. You cannot simply turn him away, to do so would be utterly rude and inconsiderate. He needs to befriended. He needs to be with you and your date the rest of your night. Seeing what I am painting? You have turned this into a bro-session. Gold. Pure gold.

I could give you scenario after scenario, but I need to wrap this post up, I am barely holding on to your attention. Here is the Spark Note section: What I am saying is that you should end crappy dates. If she looks tired, that is an open door that you need to smash trough like Dwayne Johnson. If she is lame, take her home. Now there are some exceptions. I am sure you can figure those out (she knows everyone and will tell everyone, she is a second cousin, she has a physical or mental handicap).

1 thought on “Dating 101”

Leave a Reply